How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows: A Guide for Couples
So it’s time.
You’ve finally sat down to put how you feel about this person—this other being without whom you’d dare feel complete—on paper.
But alas. You draw a blank. How can you possibly collapse all of your love into a few paragraphs?
Luckily, writing your own wedding vows doesn’t have to put a wrench in your upcoming nuptials. It can actually help you both become even more laser-focused and dedicated to this new life you are building together. This process is a deeply personal way to express your love and commitment to your partner, even if it seems scary at first.
No matter what happens, what embarrassing stories you tell, they will still love you at the end.
If they don’t, why are we planning a wedding in the first place?
Writing your own vows allows you to craft a message that is unique to your relationship and reflects your journey together. Wedding officiants around the world witness countless heartfelt vows, and as one of them, I’m here to share some tips to help you write something that will be both meaningful and memorable.
1. Start with Reflection
Before putting pen to paper, take some time to reflect on your relationship. Set aside 20-30 minutes. If you struggle with tasks, set a timer on your phone or computer. Then, consider these five questions:
- When did you first realize you were in love?
- What qualities do you admire most in your partner?
- How has your partner changed your life for the better?
- What promises do you want to make for your future together?
- What do you want them to know most?
2. Set the Tone
Now, the easy part. While expectations and culture play a role, the tone of your ceremony is yours to choose. Your vows should reflect who you are as a couple. Deciding on the tone you want them to have will set the stage for the rest of the ceremony, reception, and frankly—the rest of your marriage.
Do you want them to be romantic, humorous, poetic, or a mix of all three? Your vows should reflect your personality and your relationship dynamic. Think of this as the type of foundation you are building your relationship house from. Will you always be the rock? The sense of humor? The calming force? The passionate lover? The quirky mate?
Just because it’s an important speech doesn’t mean that you have to give up a part of yourself.
You be you.
3. Make Meaningful Promises
Next, remember that vows are not just about love; they’re also about commitment. This part is important, but don’t stress!
Just channel your inner child, pinky-promise style, and think about the promises you want to make, because the goal is no take-backs. Some common promises are things like:
- “I promise to support you through life’s ups and downs.”
- “I vow to always laugh at your jokes, even the bad ones.”
- “I pledge to be your rock, your partner, and your best friend.”
But if those don’t sound like you, that’s fine! Think about what you will offer to your partner. A marriage is both give and take, and while you will take, your vows are a demonstration of what you are willing to give—to lend—and to yield to that person to whom you are tying your life for the rest of your days on Earth.
4. Keep It Concise
Think Oscar-worthy speech. While your vows should be heartfelt, they don’t need to be lengthy. Aim for about 1-2 minutes of speaking time. This ensures that they remain engaging and impactful.
5. Personalize with Stories
Adding a personal anecdote makes your vows more meaningful. Share a special memory, an inside joke, or a defining moment in your relationship. For example:
- “I knew I loved you when you stayed up all night watching terrible movies with me just because I had a bad day.”
This is super great, even if it’s the most boring story ever. Whether you took an amazing vacation, the first time you realized you loved them, how they yell at you all the time when you burn something in the kitchen . . . it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s honest.
6. Practice Out Loud
Don’t forget this part. Seriously. Once you have a draft, read your vows aloud several times. As you are practicing, especially if this is for memorization, highlight your “sticky words”. These are any words that you catch or stumble over, regardless of the reason. Keep practicing until it flows naturally. Also, practicing will allow you to check the length so that you don’t run too long or too short.
If possible, practice in front of a trusted friend or family member.
7. Write Them Down
So you think you are going for memorization and then—BAM!—you forget a line. Crap happens. Even if you think you’ll remember your vows, it’s always best to have them written down. Nerves can take over on the big day, and having a written copy ensures you won’t forget anything important. Not to make you nervous, but you only get one shot.
(Don’t worry. They’ll still love you even if you mess this up.)
8. Speak from the Heart
Finally, the most important advice is to speak sincerely. Your vows don’t need to be perfect; they just need to be genuine. Your partner will appreciate the love and thought you put into them.
Writing your own wedding vows is a beautiful way to personalize your ceremony. With these tips, you’ll be able to create vows that truly reflect your love and commitment to your partner.
With any luck, a bit of patience and dedication, and some guidance to help you there, you’ll have a beautiful and polished version of the message you want your future spouse to hear on their wedding day.
Congratulations and happy writing!
